Archive for August, 2011

"Planking"

Humans are creatures who love attention. Even from an extremely young age humans seek out attention. We gain a certain level of satisfaction when the focus is squarely pinned on ourselves or our needs.

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As babies, we cry to grab the attention of our parents. The screams of an infant will get it held, fed or in worse-case scenarios, its diaper changed.  These same babies grow into young children who attend elementary school. It is here we learn we can gain attention by achieving good grades on spelling and math tests or by sucking up to the teacher.

In this modern age of technology, people have no struggle finding attention. We have Twitter and Facebook as vehicles to transmit our ideas and feelings to the masses. Sharing the fact you ate a turkey sandwich for lunch is just a few clicks away. If last night’s episode of HBO’s “True Blood” rubbed you the wrong way, simply log on to Facebook and update your status.

Lately celebrities and common folk alike have been gathering attention via their social network pages in two ways. People have begun taking pictures of themselves engaging in acts of “planking” and “owling.” If you are unfamiliar with these Internet phenomena, you must not check Justin Bieber’s Twitter as often as I do. (Don’t judge.)

Boris Karloff as the Mummy in the 1932 horror film "The Mummy."

When “planking” a person lays face down in a unique location. There is then a picture taken of the person imitating a wooden plank. The picture is then posted on a social network site for all to see. “Owling” is a similar activity. This consists of a person squatting down and perching on some surface then turning their head to the side. This is meant to imitate the usual stance an owl might assume in a tree.

Both of these methods have generated a lot of attention for the participants. Following in the footsteps of “planking” and “owling,” others have invented their own methods of attention grabbing, competitive photo opportunities. As “owling” and “planking” reach their saturation point, I feel the need to put in my own ideas for the next social media picture fad.

One of the simplest and cheapest Halloween costumes to make is the mummy. All one really needs to create a convincing mummy costume is several rolls of toliet paper. Why not bring this simple Halloween costume solution to the world of social media pictures? “Mummying” could very easily catch on as the next craze. The problem I foresee is when a person frequently engages in “mummying” too much at the office. It would not be the best situation when fellow employees began to complain to supervisors that the bathroom is always out of toilet paper due to the idiot who can’t stop “mummying.” It might cost you your job, but it will definitely get you attention.

Boris Karloff appears in a scene from the 1931 film "Frankenstein."

Frankenstein is another simple Halloween costume worthy of joining the ranks with “planking” and “owling.” “Frankensteining” could consist of simply adhering two bolts to one’s neck then having a photo taken of themselves performing an everyday activity. Pictures of a person buying coffee, paying bills or walking the dog would become wildly more entertaining with “Frankensteining.” As long as no one takes “Frankensteining” to an extreme and actually imitates some of the monster Frankenstein’s actions, I think this one is safe. I don’t know much ,but I do know it’s never a good idea to do anything that would move the people of your town to picket your home with torches and pitchforks.

My next social media picture craze idea draws from a different type of monster. It’s surprising to me that with the massive popularity of pop star Lady Gaga that “Gagaing” has not caught on.

Lady Gaga in the meat dress at the 2010 MTV Video Music Awards.

There could be several variations of “Gagaing.” A person could have photos taken while wearing outfits featuring protruding asymmetrical shapes. Another way to display “Gagaing” would be to create an alter ego. The key is that the alter ego has to be of the opposite sex, ala Gaga’s “Jo Calderone.” If both of these methods sound like too much effort, simply visit your local butcher, cover yourself in inexpensive cuts of meat, snap a picture of yourself and you have accomplished “Gagaing.”

Today the phrase “any attention is good attention” has never been more true. We live in a time when someone can become famous through a sex tape or being on a second-rate reality show. Gossip websites like TMZ and Perez Hilton exploit every skeleton in the closet of celebrities. The odd thing is through these websites, those same celebrities who had their dirty laundry aired to the world become more popular.

Even the everyday person can find massive amounts of attention via their social network site of choice. “Planking,” “owling,” or “Gagaing” are simply methods of gathering more attention. Humans truly are creatures who seek out attention wherever they can. After all why do you think I write this blog?  Here’s a hint, it’s not because I am shy!

Jordan O’Donnell

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For the first month I lived in my apartment, I didn’t have a bed. My living quarters was filled only with a table, television, a few lamps and a big green chair. At night, I would lay down blankets on the floor and sleep in the corner of my living room. I really didn’t mind this much but after a couple of weeks my back was starting to feel the pain.

This past weekend, I finally got a futon I will use as my bed. After going so long without anything to sleep on, you can imagine my delight. I was so happy with my new addition that I literally laid on it for a full day and did nothing else. I just basked in the glory of my wonderful new couch.

My joy was slightly halted the other day when I noticed something disturbing about my futon. When folded down in the bed position, an indention runs down the middle of the futon. All my childhood fears of monsters under my bed came back. I thought how easy it would be for a creatures hand to shoot out of that indention and grab. I started having flashes of Johnny Depp’s demise from Nightmare on Elm Street. Freddy Krueger reduced the man who went on to become Captain Jack Sparrow to nothing but a fountain of blood spraying from the middle of a mattress.

The indention in my futon has not ruined it completely for me, but it does provide bother from time to time. This experience has got me thinking of other pieces of furniture that may affect the comfort level of a home.

Unless it is the home of a skilled musician, I find it creepy when I see a grand piano in someone’s house. Its ominous size makes me nervous in a open room. Some people see a grand piano as a nice piece of furniture, but I view it as a device begging to channel mischievous spirits. The long row of ivory keys just looks like they are waiting to be pressed by an invisible ghostly figure.

People need to be careful when purchasing a coffee table for their living rooms. It is very easy to mistakenly get a piece that looks less like a place to lay your magazine and more like a coffin. While shopping for my futon, I noticed many coffin tables that looked more suited for a funeral parlor rather than a living room. This problem is relatively easy to avoid by taking the proper steps. When buying a coffee table, think if you can fit inside the table comfortably and close the lid. If you believe you could achieve that, then you are looking at the wrong table.

I love big open windows. Though not a piece of furniture, I find a window with a nice view is a great addition to any home. My piece of advice here is if you can stand at your window and look out to see a cemetery nearby . . . . . MOVE.

The retro chair shaped like an open hand has always wigged me out. The chair gives the appearance you are sitting in the palm of a giant dismembered hand. The item has been featured in many movies and television shows. Personally, I couldn’t be paid enough money to sit in one. My blood pressure would near hypertension thinking the hand was on the verge of clamping shut, breaking me into pieces.

The movie “The Ring” has ruined VCRs for me. Seeing the dated device hooked up in anyone’s home instantly reminds me of the creepy girl from the film. When the haunted tape was played, the girl would climb out of the television and murder the viewer. She looked drenched in water and angry, like a wet Fiona Apple.

Scene from "The Ring"

Unless you live in a mansion or castle, there is no need to have a gigantic dinner table constantly set to perfection with a white table cloth, fine china, and candle holders. The whole setup is begging for a ghost to come by and cause trouble. Same goes for chandeliers and dressers with too many drawers. Ghosts seem to love messing with these things.

I have yet to mention my problem with oversized mirrors. Looking up into an gigantic mirror, I almost always expect there to be some type of apparition glaring back at me. I could go further into this, but I feel I’ve made my point. Always be careful when furniture shopping. What you think is just a nice addition to your home could end up being an invitation to the paranormal.

Jordan O’Donnell

The iPad is one of the most sought after electronic devices on the market today. It’s level of popularity can be credited to it’s wide range of usage.  Among many other things, the iPad can be used to surf the web, organize important files, watch videos and read through classic works of literature.

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A new application for the iPad has given the device an entirely new purpose. Released earlier this summer, Zombiebooth 3D allows people to take their own personal pictures and modify them in a unique way. The application gives iPad users the tools to transform still captures of cherished memories into snapshots from a gruesome zombie apocalypse. If you’ve every been curious what your spouse would look like if they were a member of the undead Zombiebooth 3D, answers that question.

After a picture is modified with Zombiebooth 3D, the ending results are quite impressive. The ability to add bloody scars, hazy eyes and rotting skin color tones makes for some dramatic photos. The finished product looks like either a stunning capture of a walking corpse or a Facebook profile picture of someone who spends entirely too much time in a meth lab.

The application created by MotionPortrait, Inc., gives iPad users the ability to create hundreds of zombified pictures. There are more than 50 zombie variations to ensure the perfect fit for any picture. What really makes this application so much fun is how it takes a simple 2D image and transforms it into 3D with options of different animations. Once you are satisfied with the appearance of your zombie, you can make it wink, scowl, breath and even furiously growl.

Zombiebooth 3D makes it quite easy to share all your undead photos around the Internet. Load your gruesome snapshots to Facebook, Twitter and Youtube so all of your friends and family can be certain you have entirely too much time on your hands.

Zombiebooth 3D is not for everyone. The application does come with a warning. Before purchasing, it is cautioned that the Zombiebooth 3D contains gruesome images that may not be appropriate for children or the “faint-hearted.” So if you don’t ride a bus to elementary school every morning and can stomach a little spooky imagery, then 99 cents is a small price to pay for an entertaining application.

Those who may be on the fence about if they qualify for the category of “faint-hearted,” I remind you there are far scarier things lurking around the iPad application store. After all, you can purchase every Nicholas Sparks book and their motion picture counter parts to have at your fingertips at all times. To me, that is a frightening thought.

Zombiebooth 3D is available now. Download if you dare and start work on this year’s Christmas card. What better way to say Merry Christmas than by sending your loved ones a horrific zombified picture of yourself?

Jordan O’Donnell

When I became a vegetarian nearly a decade ago I didn’t know what to expect. I never had a really great reason to quit eating meat. I wasn’t making a stand for animal rights or trying to get healthier. The only reason I had for becoming a vegetarian was to see how long I could last. It was meant to be an experiment that lasted a few months tops but mutated into a longer exodus.

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My assumption was that my dietary alteration would only effect me. I never anticipated that my choice to go vegetarian would put such a sour taste in the mouth of one of my beloved family members.

My grandmother has allowed my vegetarianism to become the bane of her existence. Meals at her house always feature at least one battle between her and I about the lack of red meat on my plate. This is not because I get a sick thrill out of arguing with an old lady who stands barely as tall as my shoulders. My grandmother, as sweet as she can be, simply doesn’t understand the point of being a vegetarian, and it frustrates her.

My grandmother does try to accommodate me but misses the mark by a bit. One winter we engaged in a heated argument over her homemade vegetable soup. When I turned down her offers for a bowl several times she lost patience. She didn’t want to hear my reason for not eating the soup which was it was made with rather large hunks of beef.

She shook her head and protested that despite the beef it still was VEGETABLE soup. All I could do was sigh and stare at the large pot sitting on the stove. The soup bubbled inside the pot. The beef chunks peaked out from the murky broth mocking me.

I have since given up trying to explain to my grandmother why chicken and turkey do not fit into a vegetarian diet. Though I cannot argue with her that both of these are indeed feathered birds, I can’t seem to convince her they fall into the meat food group.  I could further my point by describing our wars over the timeless question “Can green beans be cooked with or without bacon” but that might be overkill.

These are only a few reasons why my grandmother views me as something like a family meal terrorist. In her mind I bring my vegetarianism to the dinner table with the purpose of causing disorder and chaos.

I assumed vegetarians were all viewed as peaceful, loving people. I feared my grandmother’s reports of my vegetarian militancy might get me kicked out of the club. I could envision a group of darkly cloaked individuals showing up at my house in the middle of the night to inform me that my presence as a vegetarian was no longer welcome. If there was an herbivore council, I was sure to be number one on their termination list.

As it turns out, I am not the only vegetarian who has a soiled reputation. Though none of the top offenders famously battled with their own grandmother, I believe their wrongdoings bring much more shame to vegetarians than anything I have done.

Regarded as one of the most evil humans to ever live, Adolf Hitler was the head of Germany’s NAZI party. Thanks to the information obtained from the unbiased source Vegetariansareevil.com, it is now know that the leader of the Third Reich was a vegetarian. According to the site, Hitler despised hunting and much preferred the company of animals than that of humans. Huddled in his bunker and on the verge of capture, Hitler cuddled with his doggie “Blondi” before taking his own life. Hearing stories like this makes me fear reincarnation. Nobody wants to come back in the form of a pet that belongs to an evil dictator. I am going to go out on a limb and say if given the capability to speak, Blondi may have had a few disagreements with Hitler’s policies. History might be very different if Hitler and Blondi and the same communication relationship as Lassie and Timmy.

Russell Brand is a British comedian and husband to pop star Katy Perry. Recently PETA awarded him the title of being the year’s Sexiest Vegetarian. Though he poses as a funny man, Brand showed is true sinister side when he hosted the MTV’s VMA Awards. During one of his monologues, Brand directed lewd jokes at the Jonas Brothers. His jokes focused on how the brothers where purity rings as a pledge to maintain the virginity. Brand will never sink his teeth into a steak but he will take a bite out of three teenage musicians’ choice to remain abstinent ’til marriage.

The website Ecorazzi raises the suspicion that Sith Lord Darth Vader may also be a vegetarian. Though a fictional character, Darth Vader has struck fear into the hearts of many children since Star Wars was first released in 1977. Ecorazzi looks to Star Wars fan message boards that bring up the point that Jedis who channel the force are most likely vegetarians. Also it is pointed out that due to the fact Vader is confined to his black suit to keep him alive he probably took all his meals in liquid form. If any of this rings true and Darth Vader really was a vegetarian, then that kills my long-held belief that if given the chance Vader would devour a village of Ewoks like a fat guy at a hot wing eating contest.

If there was a Mount Rushmore of evil, Charles Manson would definitely get a few votes to be one of the faces carved in the mountain side. Manson and his cult of followers invaded the home where actress Sharon Tate was staying. Tate, who was pregnant at the time, was having a small party that evening. Manson and his crew killed Tate and all the party attendees. Manson who is still in prison has been a longtime vegan. Rather an odd paradox that a man could think murdering several people is a grand idea but the notion of eating a chicken salad sandwich for lunch sounds like complete lunacy.

Much  to my surprise, the Antichrist is currently living among us. Though it is not known where the evil beast is, one can rest assured it is not feasting at any burger joint in the world. BBC news reports that Cardinal Giacomo Biffi believes the Antichrist described in the book of Revelations is on earth and disguised as a philanthropist supporting creeds like vegetarianism and animal rights. If you believe what the good Cardinal preaches, then there is a seven headed monster from the darkest pits of Hell here on earth in costume. Its purpose is to corrupt human souls and bring down the Catholic Church. Though awfully busy with evil intentions apparently the Antichrist still can find time to watch his figure by refraining from eating meat.

Morrissey is the one named lead singer of the alternative rock band The Smiths, successful solo artist and poster boy for all attention starved manic depressives. He takes militant vegetarianism to a whole new level. The Mirror UK published an article covering a Morrissey concert this summer where upon entry to the venue fans were frisked by security to ensure that they had no meat products on their person. While performing in Warsaw, Poland, Morrissey compared the recent shooting in Norway to actions used by fast food restaurant chains McDonalds and KFC. Needless to say, his comparison rubbed many people the wrong way.

I’ve always been aware of a lot of the stigmas held against vegetarians. I can see how some carnivorous people see vegetarians as radical left wing, tree hugging loons.  When you Google image search the word vegetarian it doesn’t take long to find a picture of a bearded man dressed all in hemp sitting on the concrete playing a bongo drum.

The side of vegetarianism that isn’t often seen proves to be much darker. There are dictators, murderers, depressed alternative rock singers, and family meal terrorists who all have lived a meatless lifestyle. Even though I continue to be a vegetarian, I am much more leery of my fellow brothers and sisters. Like my wise grandmother, I am now keen to notice the dark side of vegetarianism.

Jordan O’Donnell