VAN DYKE: People are strange.
So, with this band thing, I find myself getting home at a horrible time for television. All it is at that time is 200 channels of junk to click through. There is a wide selection of dull programming no one wants to watch. Back in the day, there were pretty much only two choices. It was either “the two English guys who are the masters of cleaning everything but their own teeth” as Dennis Miller once said, or Chuck Norris selling you his exercise machine. Well, the English dudes are not around anymore, at least not this weekend. But Chuck is still at it. Since nothing was on, I grabbed my phone to see if I could find a good radio station. No luck there, so I went to the old standby, the Adam Carolla podcast, which along with the Pete and Sebastian show is about my favorite thing to listen to at night. I noticed that I left the TV on the Chuck Norris infomercial. That is when the idea for this blog came to me. I was thinking something was wrong with the picture, because the color orange that I saw on Chuck Norris’s head and face was not of this earth. He just looked way too odd to me. It made me think of Michael Jackson and how he morphed into the creature he became. Don’t get me wrong, Michael was a tremendous artist and inspired generations of pop singers. I mean he changed the face of music altogether. Yes, that was bad. I mean who’s bad? Neverland, I mean nevermind. I gotta stop writing these so late.
Anyway, I want to know why so many popular music artists have become so odd looking. Have you seen Kenny Rogers? Let’s put it this way. The gambler looks like he lost a few too many bets and had to use a coupon on his plastic surgery. What about Eddie Money? Have you seen that commercial he was in recently? I thought I had a 3D TV when I saw his eyes bugging out of his head like that. Neal Schon is the guitar player from Journey. He looks really weird now, especially since he hooked up with that Salahi chick that crashed the White House party a few years ago. Neal and this girl made a video for a song of the latest Journey album. Whatever you do, DO NOT watch it.
I am not talking about the people who are just old either. Keith Richards has looked a hundred for more than 30 years! I am talking about the freakish plastic surgery and just overall oddness. Dennis DeYoung is ODD looking. His hair is white and he reminds me of one of those evangelist guys, I forget which one. But I guess he was a bit off from day one according to his former band mates. Then there are the Chers, Lil’ Kims and Reba McEntires of the world. Are they trying to look like Joan Rivers? And when did Donatella Versace and Steven Tyler become the same person? They both look like Jeff Dunham’s puppet, “Peanut.” Not to be outdone, Joe Perry had to jump in to the oddness with his “two caterpillars” mustache.
People are nuts. I should know that by now. Why else would Nicki Minaj have a career? Someone is buying it. I guess I am getting old and no one wants to listen to their grandad’s music. Isn’t that right Blake Shelton? I am not sure Blake meant any harm when trying to make a point. Isn’t that the whole problem these days? People no longer think before they speak and everyone is just primed to take offense at the smallest thing just to have something to say. All I will add to that argument is that I once saw Ray Price in concert. I did not want to go AT ALL, but my dad took me. It was almost a life-changing experience. I really started to appreciate the older, classic country artists. So, if you are keeping score at home, never pass up the opportunity to see a concert for free. Also, please forward me the number of a good plastic surgeon. I could use some tidying up …
Cheeseburgers at One this Friday and at the South Side Boat Club on Saturday. I may need other medical help after that, now that I think about it …
Don Van Dyke
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