Earlier in the week I reviewed some music biography and autobiographies to get musicians if you are looking for some last minute gifts.  Since we still have a few days of shopping left, I wanted to throw out a few more.  Remember Amazon and Barnes & Noble have second day shipping and Quincy Books in the mall is open on Christmas Eve until 5 p.m.

COUNTRY MUSIC
“Cash: The Autobiography” by Johnny Cash
The man in black looks back on a fascinating life.  He crossed genres from Gospel to Country to Rock without even trying but always had the same sound.  If you watched the movie “Walk The Line,” then many of the stories in this book will be familiar.  However, the stories and background are much more detailed and Johnny gives you the stories in his own words.  This is a man that once started a forest fire with an automobile and brought back a pickup load of amphetamines from Mexico……not your everyday stories from the road.  While apologetic about many of the things he’s done, Cash is no doubt fearless when it comes to being honest about his life.  The book drags towards the end with a couple of sappy chapters writing to his children and grandchildren, but still a great book. GRADE: A-

ROCK MUSIC
“Ronnie: The Autobiography” by Ronnie Wood
I’m not a big fan of The Rolling Stones – nothing against them, just a bit of a generation gap.  However, road warriors in the music world who have become legendary and are willing to share their tales always intrigue me.  Interestingly, Wood was the first in his family to be born on dry land.  Both sides of his family were water gypsies that lived on boats 24/7.  In 1960’s England, Wood was in the right place at the right time and became the guitarists for the Birds, Jeff Beck, the Faces (with Rod Stewart), and eventually the biggest gig of all, the second guitar player for The Rolling Stones.  This book takes you through his extreme adventures of rock and roll with The Stones along with the drugs and crazy personalities involved.  Amazingly, Wood lost his fortune with some horrible investments and has had to make a comeback with his artwork and yet another comeback tour with The Stones.  Like many rock and roll autobiographies, some of the stories makes you question the accuracy when Wood and his drug buddy Keith Richards were out of their minds on heroin…..but still worth a read. GRADE: B-

“The Heroin Diaries: A Year in the Life of a Shattered Rock Star” by Nikki Sixx
This is one of those I would classify as a guilty pleasure to be read along with the next book, “The Dirt, The Confessions of the World’s Most Notorious Rock Band”.  It is a very quick read compared to most rock and roll books and in fact I read it straight through on a lazy Sunday in one sitting. It’s definitely one you don’t want to put down. I was a little concerned by the title in that it might glorify the drug-addicted lifestyle of so many rockstars.  It doesn’t take long though to realize how horrible of an existence cocaine and heroin addiction can be as I’m sure Kurt Cobain and Layne Staley would agree if they were still alive.  This book is literally a diary kept by Sixx starting (oddly enough) on Christmas in 1986 with him alone, crouched naked under his Christmas tree with a syringe recently full of heroin. The diary should be required reading for any young musician just starting out and going on tour.  If it doesn’t keep them away from drugs on the road, nothing will. GRADE: A+

“The Dirt: The Confessions of the World’s Most Notorious Rock Band” by Neil Strauss
“The Heroin Diaries” wouldn’t be complete without also reading “The Dirt….” published six years earlier which chronicles the raunchy start and meteoric rise of Nikki Sixx, Tommy Lee, Vince Neil and Mick Mars. Motley Crue is one of the most iconic rock bands of all time and known for drug and alcohol addiction, drunken car wrecks, outrageous non-stop parties, and girls everywhere.  It’s very interesting to compare the band stories in this book about Sixx hiding his heroin addiction during the time of his diary writing (see above).  No heavy metal fan will want to be without this crude but honest chronicle from one of the best all time rock and roll authors, Neil Strauss. GRADE: A

BLUES MUSIC
“Can’t Be Satisfied: The Life and Times of Muddy Waters” by Robert Gordon
I loved this book.  I’m always fascinated with the true blues masters from the delta region and Muddy Waters is one of the greatest of them all.  Born McKinley Morganfield in Mississippi, Muddy Waters, still plowing fields in his 30’s, was “discovered” by Alan Lomax during one of his famous field recording expeditions for the Library of Congress.  Waters left Mississippi and came to Chicago in 1943 to electrify the blues taking the music form from the acoustic guitar in the fields to using a Fender Telecaster and amp in Chicago blues bars.  Soon Waters was recording for the legendary Chess brothers at Chess Records and selling tons of records, although profiting very little.  The 1950’s and 60’s were pretty rough for Waters as Chuck Berry and rock and roll took over and dominated the music industry.  In the 1970’s everything came full circle as Eric Clapton and The Rolling Stones (named after a Muddy Waters song) turned on a new generation to the music of Muddy and his contemporaries.  The author stays very unbiased about Waters’ personal life as he lays out the facts of the many illegitimate children Waters left behind. This is often a dark story, full of guns, violence, hard liquor and loose living and is one of my favorite biographies. GRADE: A+

Steve Stoner

OK, earlier in the week I chronicled some horrible Christmas CD’s and have had a few votes along with some write-ins.

Here are the results:

Worst Christmas CD:  Tiny Tim’s Christmas CD (landslide victory)
Runner-up: “A Twisted Christmas” by Twisted Sister
Write-in Votes: “Anything” by Mannheim Steamroller
Bob Dylan’s Christmas Album
Rivertribe Christmas

I can’t believe the Ali Lohan -  “Lohan Holiday” didn’t get some votes. With deep inspirational songs such as “I Like Christmas” (I’m not making this up), I figured the Lohan’s would get a few votes.

Anyway, now we’re moving on to singles since there are quite a few one-off Christmas songs, but the artists can’t quite bring themselves to do an entire album.  Again, before we get into that, I want to highlight one golden nugget that I simply can’t get enough of (another song brought to my attention by Rodney Hart):

“Chewbacca Sings Silent Night” is one of the greatest things to happen to Christmas music.  Just kidding but check it out here and turn up the speakers:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0cPXEo6gqBI

Also, as I was looking around at Christmas songs on Amazon, I cam across an incredible deal if you want some great classic Christmas songs from quality classic artists.  Go to: http://amzn.com/B004H4J97A

For $5.00 you can download 100 Class Christmas songs, which includes Christmas songs from artists like Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Elvis Presley, Dean Martin, Nat ‘King’ Cole, Peggy Lee, Les Paul, Johnny Mathis, and Doris Day.

And now to our contestants:

Stoner

Korn – “Kidnap the Sandy Claws.” You can hear a sample on Amazon.  Beware – this one is a bit frightening.

The Ramones – “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Wanna Fight Tonight).” If you like the Ramones, you’ll dig this one.  If not, you’ll hate it.  Enough said.

John Denver – “Please, Daddy (Don’t Get Drunk This Christmas).” How touching! I think this was supposed to be funny but it’s hard to see what could have been funny about a seven-year-old pleading his dad not to pass out under the tree.  I’m assuming this recorded before John’s two DUI arrests.

Band Aid – “Do They Know It’s Christmas.” Anyone remember this? Bono, Boy George, George Michael, Sting, Duran Duran, Bananarama… what’s not to like?  The intentions were to put this together for charity which is great – I’m all for that.  It was apparently knocked out in a 24-hour session and sounds like it.  With lyrics like “Tonight thank God, it’s them, instead of you,” you can’t exactly sing it at the family Christmas get-together and feel good about yourself.

Father Guido Sarducci – “Santa’s Lament.” If you remember comedian Father Guido, you can imagine what you’re in for here.

Cyndi Lauper – “Christmas Conga.” Come on Cyndi, stick with songs about girls wanting to have fun.

Dr. Elmo – “Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer.” You all know this one and you sing along as you cringe at how bad it is…..right?

Wham! – “Last Christmas.” I’m not sure which is more awkward, the misplaced jingle bells throughout the song or George Michael dancing around with a girl.

There seems to be no end but I’ll stop here.  Let me know if you have a vote on one of these or have your own idea for the worst Christmas song of all times.

Steve Stoner

I’m writing this for all my fellow guitarists looking for an edge when it comes to music equipment.

Back in the ’80s and ’90s, there were many different brands of guitars, but besides the infamous Gibson Les Paul, there were very few guitars named after the artist who used the guitar.

These days there are tons of guitars, amps and effects pedals that are considered “signature” equipment.  That is, there is an artist who endorses the item and claims to use it on stage and in the studio. Usually, these items also come with a hefty price tag even though the specifications might be almost identical to “non-signature” models of the same brand.  I mean, come on, they’ve got to pay the guy to give them an autograph so they can reproduce it on the actual equipment.

Here are a few examples:
Eric Johnson Fender Strat – $1,900
Angus Young Gibson SG – $2,300
Ibanez Joe Satriani model – $2,000
Dean John Entwistle bass – $4,500

Stoner

The general pattern and marketing plan here is that we see our favorite artists live, on video, or hear their new CD and decide “I NEED THAT SOUND.” Then we search out what equipment they use and low and behold, they are willing to sell us the exact same stuff they use built to their specifications. Here’s the problem.  The equipment might help get you close to the guitar tone, but not the sound.  The sound comes from the fingers and minds of the artists.

I won’t tell you how many times I’ve wandered down this dark road, but I’ll tell you about my latest misguided venture with “signature” equipment.  Listening to one of my favorites guitarists, Mark Tremonti from Creed/Alter Bridge, I decided I already had an amp similar to his, but what I really need is the guitar and some effects pedals he uses. Then I could at least get close to the incredible sounds coming from Mark’s guitar rig. WRONG!  I kept looking all over the guitar and pedals I just bought for the switch that says (Sound like Mark). It wasn’t anywhere to be found. I still sounded like ME!

So I call the trusty online seller of this fabulous “signature” equipment and the conversation goes something like this:

Me: “I need return authorization numbers for every item I’ve bought from you in the last month.”

Customer Service Rep: “Um, OK sir.  May I ask why?”

Me: “Because I suck as a guitarist.”

CSR: “Hmmmm.  I’m sorry to hear that.  I don’t have that listed as a reason for returns, but we do have a 30-day return policy although you would have to ship the items back at your expense.”

Me: “Fine.  Whatever, I just don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

So, after $60 in UPS charges, I sent the items back and got my refund.  So, until I hear the next guitar player that knocks me out with his “signature” equipment, I should be safe.

On that topic, has anyone heard Slash’s new CD?  Killer guitar sound! I wonder what amp he’s using?

Steve Stoner