Yeasayer

HAHN: A Take Away Show

Yeasayer

Two years ago a friend of mine, Jake, showed me a music video on YouTube by a band called Yeasayer. It captivated me somehow. I played the video almost non-stop. I made my friends watch it and listen to it. If there was ever an occasion to play music from a laptop I would inevitably switch over from iTunes, load the video and play it. I loved this video — and still do.

The title of the video is “Yeasayer – No Need to Worry / Redcave — A Take Away show.”

The video features four members of the band — Chris Keating, Ira Wolf Tuton, Anand Wilder, and Luke Fasano — singing two songs, “No Need to Worry” and “Redcave,” as they walk through and eventually board a subway in Paris.

Hahn

After seeing the video, I got my hands on one of their albums, “Odd Blood.” I enjoy listening to it, from time to time, but it doesn’t have the same appeal as the YouTube video. It lacks a certain je ne se quoi, pardon my French.

What I find so incredibly cool about the video — which sets it apart from most other music videos — is that it was apparently shot in one take, was filmed on one handheld camera and was sung almost completely a cappella. The only instruments used were a few spoons (most likely pilfered from the venue where they preformed just prior to the filming), some bottles of beer, a glass (most likely also pilfered) and a pitch pipe (used for tuning).

This is very impressive to me is that typically Yeasayer uses very heavy instrumentation and musical effects in their studio recordings. The extremely stripped down versions of these two songs have an almost haunting quality than compared to their studio versions.

The video seems all the more cool for the fact the band members even debate whether or not they want to participate in the filming of the music video during the first minute of the video. There is no way to adequately relate to you the neatness, spontaneity or just shear coolness of this video without watching it. Watch it, please.

Kevin Hahn

The cast of the Jersey Shore. Yep, no stringent social code here.

HAHN: Water at restaurants

In late August, my friends and I celebrated the 22nd birthday of my friend Mike. Following the conference of conflicting tastes, wants and needs which occurs every time a largish group of people try to decide where to eat out, we decided to eat someplace where none of us had been before, Gem City Pizza. We got there, walked in and we were seated. As the waitress took our drink orders, something peculiar happened. Out of the seven of us, not a single person ordered anything but water.

Hahn

At first glance this doesn’t seem to be all that odd. There is no rule that seven people can’t all order the same thing. It just seems improbable that out of seven college men not a single one got soda, tea, beer or any of the 26 other drink options listed on the menu. (Yes, I counted http://www.gemcitypizza.com/menu_jpg_6.php.)

Normally, I would have just thought it weird and let the occurrence fade into my memory. However, now I have a blog which mandates that I try harnessing my random thoughts into something useful. Also, since the first instance several weeks ago, I have noticed similar occurrences time and time again.

In order to help put to rest this question and hopefully further scientific progress, I will explore the reasons for this behavior. Following is a report on my attempts to answer this random question: Why do my friends always order water at sit down restaurants?

Through limited study and observation, I have determined four possible reasons why this trend occurs.

***WARNING: This report fails to apply any standards or scientific principles of any type. It fails to meet even the most minimum benchmarks of any science including psychology, anthropology, sociology, ornithology or mixology.***

Theory 1: People order only water because there is a massive underground movement to topple the partial hydrogenated corn syrup industry. This boycott of soda makes sense because corn syrup is a major ingredient in most soda/pop products, and since there is an unexplainable coolness about anything that is “underground,” people feel the uncontrollable urge to participate.

The cast of the Jersey Shore. Yep, no stringent social code here.

Theory 2: Our society is becoming ultra-polite where soon it will be socially unthinkable to order anything different than what the person before you ordered or else you will terribly insult him or her, his or her tastes, and his or her family. This would effectively ruin the premise of the Samuel Adams commercial where four business men sit around a table, two of the snively yes-men order waters until the one young up-and-comer orders a Sam Adams. Upon seeing this boldness the obviously older and most senior business man throws three sheets to the wind and gets a Sam Adams too, thus condoning drinking at business functions. If theory 2 is true, society would effectively stamp out individualism and free thought in exchange for a strict social code. This stringent social stratification is an incredibly unlikely scenario based on evidence proffered by the cast of the Jersey Shore.

Theory 3: Everyone orders water because they are college students who want to save money. Since water at most restaurants is free, it makes sense that college students — who are normally strapped for cash — would opt for the lowest priced item. Even though this is a generalization not backed up by any evidence, it appears to make a lot of sense.

However, I feel safe in saying the following theory carries the most weight and the highest probability of being correct.

Theory 4: Somehow humanity has evolved to a point where some individuals can telepathically control each other’s actions, and then for laughs, those people with this ability get their jollies by making the rest of us order water. This is the most likely scenario. Almost all the evidence supports this claim. We should therefore accept the yolk of our new telepathically superior overlords and simply hope that they spare our feebly minds.

Kevin Hahn

Hahn

HAHN: Good, wholesome blogging

Hahn

Hello readers. My name is Kevin Hahn, and I will hopefully be providing you with some good wholesome blogging for the next few months detailing all things college. You will get to accompany an eclectic, diverse and motley group of my friends and I as we live in, explore and discuss things in and around Quincy.

This blog will span the wide range of things to do AND places to see, all while offering some stunning social observation and commentary. One week might include a visit to a local restaurant, the next maybe we’ll take in a movie, perhaps visit a local store or shop, and who knows this could devolve into a chronicling of the minute life details of a college student in the Greater Quincy Regional Area. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen.

I am a senior at Quincy University. So, many of my posts will revolve around the area surrounding QU, and in stereotypical college student fashion — I don’t want to spend money on gas. Likewise, as the “poor college kid who thinks Ramen Noodles® and beer are their own food groups,” I won’t be able to review really fancy restaurants. Most likely any restaurants I might review will be ones that I go to in the course of my regular daily life; unless of course, the Great River Restaurant Association wants to start subsidizing this blog (wink wink).

From time to time, I might depart from the everyday experiences in the area and delve into discussions about pop culture, current events or random thoughts that cross my mind. Please bear with me on those occasions, but I’ll try and make them as entertaining as possible.

I hope you are as excited as I am to get started on this blog. I promise that it will be worth your money. I’m assuming of course that you have to pay exorbitant sums of money for the supreme privilege of accessing this wonderful website: www.thelocalq.com. I would guess somewhere around $50/month would be sufficient.

So, if you are a grownup living in the “real world” and you want to relive your time at college, a fellow studious college student looking for some cool unique things to do in the area, or anyone wanting to waste a few minutes before watching a YouTube video of a cat who can stand on its hind legs (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVV_HXtEbLo), please check this blog out in the future.

Kevin Hahn

Jared Leto.

MCGUIRE: Filmmakers hate Jared Leto

Jared Leto.

McGuire

For the past few weeks I have noticed a certain similarity in my movie and television choices. For some reason in almost everything I have watched, the actor Jared Leto has popped up. This probably is not that noteworthy, I like Jared Leto, he is a good actor and some of the movies he appeared in are my favorites.

I did notice one thing with these films and with a little research, I saw the trend continued. Filmmakers want Jared Leto to suffer a turrrrible fate as often as possible. It seems like in everything appears in he is treated like the human punching bag, maybe he just has a punchable face, maybe he seeks out roles with the requirement of things do not end well for him. Whatever the reason may be, it is now time to look back in a feature I like to call: “Jared Leto Does Not Get Treated Well In Movies.”

********Caution: Obvious Spoilers********

“Fight Club” (1999)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwiJFpcGNgg

Edward Norton releases a furry of fists on Jared Leto’s character Angel Face’s face. Later in the film he goes through some pretty intense psychological trauma.

“American Psycho” (2000)

Caution: Do not watch this if you are a child, or squeamish

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=29I_-NIXObw&NR=1&feature=fvwp

Soooo yeah…..

“Requiem For a Dream” (2000)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uuzNohk5cYw&NR=1&feature=fvwp

You only need to watch the first minute to see his horrible fate. Turn it off then or suffer a depression.

“Lord of War” (2005)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p8U6x9ClAss

In case there was any doubt that the first machine gun did not kill him, the second one did a pretty decent job, and then there was that third one.

“Chapter 27” (2007)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TktOCF-iBTQ

So I have to admit that I have not actually seen this movie but I do know that the character he is portraying is not exactly healthy and functional.

Wow he has been destroyed so many times. One of the only real victories I have ever seen his character have is getting Angela Chase in the television series “My So Called Life,” but even then his character Jordan Catalano was illiterate and I found Angela (Claire Danes) to be obnoxious anyway.

So who are some other actors you can think of that have continually suffered horrible fates?

Jacob McGuire

McGuire

MCGUIRE: An interview with Pardis Parker

On Feb. 19, I attended night two of the Young Professionals event “The Big Dam Film Festival.” The film festival was held at The State Room, and it was fantastic. The selections that evening were a variety of short films. There was a little bit of everything in the featured shorts, from dramatic to comedic, the night was very entertaining. My personal favorite of the evening was called “Afghan,” by Pardis Parker. The quick wit and creativity of the main characters kept the audience laughing but all the while “Afghan,” took an honest look at racism and xenophobia, and the harm it can cause.

In the end the majority of the crowd agreed with my selection because “Afghan,” won the People’s Choice Award. The career of Pardis Parker is moving quickly with many new projects in the works, but the self described performer and creator took some time to answer a few questions about his career thus far.

Pardis Parker, Photo Credit: Husayn Eblaghi

Pardis Parker

How would you describe your career?

A series of baby steps.

What kind of background do you have with film-making?

None. Afghan was the first film I ever made and I learned about filmmaking while making the film.

McGuire

Where do you draw your influences for your work?

I honestly don’t know. I watch everything Hollywood puts out. Certainly there are filmmakers that I admire more than others — Aronofsky, Mendes, Nolan, Boyle. But that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy a good Michael Bay film.

What in your life made you want to make films? At what point did you realize performing, writing, and film- making was your calling?

I’ve wanted to make films since probably junior high, but culturally it was something that was discouraged until I dove in and made something on my own that actually found a little success. That sort of opened the door for me to escape the criticism I would have been receiving otherwise.

“Afghan” was recently selected as the People’s Choice at the Big Dam Film Festival, among numerous other awards at different festivals. What do you think makes it so appealing; what do you attribute to its success?

I don’t know. My suspicion is that most people find it appealing simply because it’s an honest film. I don’t know. You tell me.

What projects do you have on the horizon?

I’ve got this Bollywood short that I’m shooting for Bravo and a romantic comedy with no dialogue that I’m shooting for CBC, plus I’ve got an animated TV series that I’m developing with a production company in LA and a feature comedy that I’m pitching around. Busy busy.

Please finish this sentence: If I was not creating and performing I would be-

Depressed and frustrated that I couldn’t find happiness or meaning in whatever else I was doing.

Word Association
a.      Acidic: Lemon
b.      Renegade: Lorenzo Lamas
c.      Yack: Yak
d.      Pious: Priest
e.      Scallops: White
f.      Minuet: French

What are your five desert island films?

That’s tough. It’s always changing. “Cast Away,” “The Matrix,” “The Assassination of Jesse James” by the Coward Robert Ford, “There Will Be Blood,” and “Michael Clayton.” That’s a good start.

You are handed a phone and get to call your 16-year-old self. You get 15 seconds on the line, what do you say? GO!

Do what you want to do.

To find out more about Pardis, or watch more of his videos visit  www.pardisparker.com.

Jacob McGuire

MCGUIRE: How to become a millionare — in 2,740 years

The other day I was watching Noah Baumbach’s movie titled “Kicking and Screaming,” (not the Will Ferrell Soccer thing) and there was a scene in the movie where the friends were all in a bar arguing over the titles of all of the “Friday the 13th” movies.

It blew my mind for a second as I wondered why they did not just look it up on someone’s smart phone. Then I realized this was 1995. It is so weird to me that there was a time when trivia arguments at the bar could not be settled by a quick cell phone internet search. I have seen those large phones Zach Morris owns, despite the comically huge stature there is not so much as a Google Search bar on them. What were the other options; have the answer paged to you? That is not how a pager works is it? Did people just agree to disagree, write the question down, research it later then rub the answer in their friends face the next day? Not for me. I need to instantly rub in the correct answer of which actor played Grand Moff Tarkin in “Star Wars IV.” (Peter Cushing)[*Writer’s note to men: knowledge of “Star Wars” cannot help you get women, in fact it most likely can hurt any small chance you might have had.

What I am getting at is that thanks to new technology we are living in an age of instant gratification. Any information we would like is right at our fingertips, it is nearly impossible to not get contacted by someone that wants to contact you. My phone was broken for a week last year and it was difficult at first but I soon grew to like not being available to everyone at anytime. When someone says “hey why didn’t you text me back,” instead of having to act all confused and be like “oh dumb phone, I do not know if I got that message.” I could just tell them I have no phone.

So information is everywhere and more accessible than ever before. There are even text message answering services for those without internet on their phone. A popular free text message answering service is called Cha Cha. To use Cha Cha simply text any question to the number 242242. Usually within minutes you will receive an advertisement, then the answer; many times it’s correct sometimes it comes out of left field…but you get what you paid for.

I had just watched “The Social Network,” and felt like a loser if I was not using the internet to make money so I looked into working for the question answering service known as Cha Cha. I had heard that Cha Cha pays anyone with an internet connection to sit at their computer anytime they are available and answer the incoming questions. Becoming a Cha Cha question answerer or as we call in the biz an “expeditor” turned out to be a longer process than clicking: Start.

You begin the process by visiting http://becomeaguide.chacha.com/. From there you can begin the tutorial. There are several training videos you have to watch each ranging from 8 minutes to 26 minutes. At the end of each video you have to pass a test about that video (to prove that you were not playing Angry Birds during the videos, as I was). The videos show you the quickest way to answer the incoming texts using cha cha’s interactive search site. They have it set up to be able to directly search the web, search frequently asked questions, or type in your own answer. After going through all of the training videos that cover every single aspect of the process, you have to take the final test, which is answering 10 incoming texts. It is nerve racking at first, but once you get the hang of it, it becomes quite easy.

I took the test and what was supposed to be four to six days, became a month later, Cha Cha contacted me saying congratulations you are a Cha Cha expeditor. So I began my conquest earning .02 cents a question. It is nice because you can get on anytime you would like and just start answering questions while watching television. Sometimes there are really interesting questions and you learn a new fact. Sometimes the question is “Hey if you are a girl, will you give me your number.” Either way every answer is .02 cents added to the account that I can eventually cash in. So far in a week after going about 30-45 minutes a day I am up to $7.00. I know that does not seem like a lot but it is money earned while I watch TV. Right now, I figure if I can earn a dollar a day from this, eventually in 4.17 years I will have enough to buy my $1,500 dream from Ebay; The “Baywatch” Pinball machine.

It's Glorious

So if you are interested in purchasing a “Baywatch” Pinball machine in 4.17 years join me as a guide on Cha Cha. Or just get a real job — lame.

Jacob McGuire

Radiohead.

MCGUIRE: A little help getting over the hump from Radiohead

Radiohead.

It’s Wednesday, the weekend is almost here, you all can make it there I know you can. Radiohead’s Thom Yorke wants to help — he told me [footage unavailable]. On Saturday one of my favorite bands Radiohead released their eighth studio album titled “The King of Limbs.” The album was released digitally and the hard copy will be available on vinyl and CD in May. I purchased “The King of Limbs” and thus far it has not disappointed. After a few more listens I will have a complete review. In the meantime lets celebrate this Wednesday with some videos. Do not be afraid to dance at your desk.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1uYWYWPc9HU

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CVNrXPnGqvM

Here is another link to a video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHiGbolFFGw

Jacob McGuire

McGuire

The Panel of Women Answering Questions About Women Team

McGuire

My sources (every other commercial stating that He went to Jared, and every kiss in the history of kisses has begun with Kay, which really if you think about does not shine a good light certain women only willing to trade a kiss if Kay Jewelry is on hand) tell me that February is the month of love. Today, being Valentine’s Day is the focal point of all of this whole month’s love. Today millions of people will receive flowers, candies or cards sent by either lovers or by themselves to ease the pain of loneliness. These gifts will be sent out thanks to the Catholic Church designating the day in the 5th century to prevent a bunch of pagans from sticking with the usual tradition of slutting it up on this day… sorry did I kill the romanticism a bit?

With today being Valentine’s Day, it is hard to avoid the pressure of providing all of the right elements to make someone’s day special. I realize that all of you men out there come to this blog for your love advice, and you are relying solely on this article to understand how to have a good relationship. Unfortunately I know nothing, an extensive knowledge of Batman does not impress ladies like you would think, and the method of hiding behind bushes and staring provides little more than restraining orders. In order to gain a better understanding on the subject I assembled a panel of the womaniest women around. These ladies have been ladies for almost twenty years so they are qualified to provide this insight. So for Valentine’s Day questions and more I give you:

The Panel of Women Answering Questions About Women Team (it’s a working title)

The Experts

1) The panel was shown a picture of chocolates, a stuffed animal, flowers and homemade stuff and asked to rank the most desired gift. Homemade things and flowers tied for first, stuffed animals came in third and chocolate in a distant fourth. Comments: “A lot of those boxes of chocolate have good ones but then some gross random ones.” “It is very sweet if he takes the time to make something, it shows he put time into it and it is unique.” “Flowers are always good.”

2) The Panel was asked to put together an ideal Valentine’s Day date. Some sort of surprise during the day, flowers sent to class or to work for example. Depending on the length of relationship preparing the dinner yourself is amazing. Even if you are not a good chef apparently, it is all in the effort and the act. Comments: “Do something unique to make the date memorable.” “One time my friend’s boyfriend dressed up as a gorilla and brought her bananas to class that said “I’m bananas for you,” it was cute, kind of awkward, but she will always remember it.” About the type of flowers: “Red roses are cliché but always a safe bet.” “If you know the girl well you should be able to put together her preference, if not go with the roses.” There was also an expression of hatred for Carnations during this exchange.

3)  Does the Man always have to pay? “No, this isn’t the 1950’s.” “It depends on who did the asking out. If the girl asked the guy out then it she can pay.” “It depends on how long the relationship is, like if it’s a first date then yeah, but should not be expected.” “One guy never let me pay for anything, and it made me feel uncomfortable like I was indebted to him.”

4) Please rank what matters most: A) Looks B) Profession C) Personality D) Intellect E) Financial Status

1. C) Personality was first across the panel. 2 D) Intellect 3 B) Profession/Status 4. A) Looks

Comments: “Personality matters the most by far.” “There has to be an initial attraction but looks fade and do not matter for longterm.” “I’m glad my father is bald so I am use to baldness.”

Next up I read the panel some statistics I found online and asked them to react.

More than 43 percent of women have said “I love you” back to a guy, even though they didn’t mean it. An additional 12 percent of women haven’t told that fib, but they would, if they didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

“Yeah that does not surprise me.” “I believe if women were being honest the number would be much higher than 12 percent.” “It is a very awkward position to be put in.”

Less than 20 percent of women would dump their boyfriend if he became fat.

“Yeah I would not dump him for being fat; I would be concerned about his health.”

75 percent of women cry at least once a month, with 33 percent of women crying at least once a week. Additionally, 99 percent of women believe that real men cry.

“I think mainly our tears come from movies, books and most of all stress.” “Sometimes I have cried just to have a good cry.” “As long as he is too sensitive and emotional, it is okay for a guy to cry.”

Next I presented a couple questions that were submitted by friends.

1. What the hell? Why is….why am I not good enough, this is bull [crap], why can I give and give and it is not enough? What do they want? Do they want presents? A nice guy? A bad guy? I’m a great guy, I have a future, What do you WANT?!

A: ………………..hmmm……..

2. Is it okay to do relationship stuff with all of the new technology such as texting, e-mailing and social networking?

A: “Texting is not an option for important stuff, it is hard to get the message across, never ask a girl out through a text, that is a phone call or face-to-face job.” “My friend’s boyfriend told her he loved her for the first time through a text message yesterday.” (The entire panel looks disgusted, woman number three pukes) “It is hard to figure out on break ups, like if they live far away face-to-face might not be an option, plus when sending a text you do not know what the girl is doing at that moment.”

Next I showed the panel pictures of Einstein (brains), Indiana Jones (rugged, adventurous, a muscley dude) and Captain Jack Sparrow (pirate) asked them to pick most desirable.

1. Indiana Jones (because he would be all of those things)

The answer to everything: Be this guy.

This concluded our panel discussion. I hope that valuable information can be found here. I would like to thank the Panel of Women for being so open, honest and helpful. Men out there … basically be like Indiana Jones. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Jacob McGuire

McGuire

A couple options for a less healthy you

Louie C.K. has obviously discovered the secret to a perfect body

In the words of comedian Louis C.K. “it’s easy to have the body you want, you just have to want a [crappy] body.” Well I did it my friends, I have achieved the body I want. With this body it is no wonder the ladies are always lining up. The phone is always ringing off the hook, and when I walk into Quincy’s finest night clubs, people act like teen rap duo Kriss Kross just made an entrance. They are still relevant aren’t they?

McGuire

If I did not learn to laugh at myself by now, getting up in the morning would not be an option. So this body is achieved by making regular trips to McDonald’s and Hardees, and if you are like me sometimes the food there is just not unhealthy enough. Well rest assured, here are two special ways to mak e sure you get the most artery blockage for your buck; we are going to take things a little further and venture off the menu.

Sometimes I enjoy a late night out on the town. It is not because I like being in public and around people. I hate people. I enjoy a late night out because it means at 3 a.m., I have the option of going to Hardees and ordering the Quincy specialty “The Herald.” This perfect concoction of a biscuit, eggs and tator tots smothered in gravy hits the spot like you would not believe after a night of revelry with friends. I have spent many nights after attending a party, racking my brain with my friends trying to get a competent driver to answer the phone and make the trek to Hardees. It all balances out because I cannot count the nights that I have been woken up and requested to make a Herald run. It is also customary to purchase a Herald for the awoken driver. It is the right thing to do, just the way I was raised I guess.  So next time you find yourself out at 3 a.m., do yourself a favor and secure a safe driver and get to Hardees to order a Herald. Also the Herald is exclusively made at the Hardees on Broadway. So if you are on 12th street, you are just going to have to settle for chicken strips.

This next item is elusive and mythical and not always a sure thing. I am referring to a Big Mac at McDonalds, however, the burger patties are replaced with chicken patties. This item is not on the menu and has no name. For no reason other than it sounds funny, my friends and I have come to call it the McCrypty. It is a finicky ordering process. Going to the drive-thru will yield no results. The McCrypty requires face to face explanation. Enter the McDonalds with confidence, but not arrogance, order the McCrypty like you are ordering a happy meal, as if it would be absurd to have your request denied. When the worker says “I do not know if I can do that, let me get a manager,” politely explain your request to the manager, depending on the personnel your request may get the go ahead. If your wish is granted, celebrate and be proud, because the McCrypty is awesome. If you are denied, do not be a jerk, you failed; just try again at the other McDonalds or when a new manager is in.

Apparently McDonalds in Chile are ahead of the curve

Does anyone else know of any off the menu items at restaurants around town? If you do, please fill me in by commenting.

Jacob McGuire

Jacob McGuire

Dum Dum Da Dum …

McGuire

The past year has been very memorable for me.

I worked on my beard, almost beat Super Mario 3 on Nintendo and invented a few dance moves that have gotten rave reviews on the floor.

Wow. Reading what I just wrote, I would have to say that the year was way more memorable for the literally dozens of friends of mine who got engaged. The engagements are happening at a rapid pace, and it is blowing my mind. I figured my peers would start getting married someday. I just assumed it would happen when we were ”grownups.”

Honestly, I have come to understand that marriage is a commitment for life. The biggest commitment I have made is an eight pound bag of French Fries from Sam’s Club, and there is still about four pounds left in the freezer, and it is freaking me out.

So I would like to take a moment to congratulate all of my friends and family members that have gotten engaged in this banner year. May your lives be filled with no sickness but lots of health and in the words of Whitney Houston pre-drug days, “So I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this, I’m wishing you — luuuuuuuuuuuvvv.”

Whitney and I wish you the best of luck on your marriage.

My first instinct is to suggest my inclusion as ring bearer. I can offer the bride and the groom complete assurance that the ring will arrive to its intended destination right on time. That is much more than I can say for the half-wit five-year-olds that I have been losing out to on the ring-bearing gig.

With friends all choosing “cute as a button” over speedy reliable delivery service, I figured it was time to take matters into my own hands and become an ordained minister. Who does everyone listen to on the wedding day? Who gets to make an awesome speech that everyone clings to? Who has the power to say when the groom even gets to kiss the bride? That’s right. The person overseeing the entire wedding.

Thanks to the help of The Universal Life Church at www.themonastary.com, I was able to license myself as a minister before lunch. Also if I can save up $26.99, I can buy the ordination package, which includes “a beautiful credential for your wall, a clergy badge, a plastic personalized wallet card credential, parking placard and the Minister Window Cling.”

Surprisingly, becoming the minister was the easy part. Now the difficult part is getting lovebirds to agree and let me tie the proverbial knot.

I’m offering up my services to not only my friends, but anyone who is looking for a minister for an upcoming ceremony. I promise 100% satisfaction, and I can bring your ceremony to life. I offer so much more than the standard minister, including but not limited to a really awesome cape, a smoke machine, kazoo playing for the bride’s entrance and exit, and a six foot unicycle.

All I am asking is that a couple out there give me a chance. After all, love is patient and love is kind.

Be kind to me.

Jacob McGuire