Archive for October, 2010

McGuire

Scary movie advice from this guy

McGuire

I am not the biggest horror movie fan. I am not sure why but I have never been that interested in the whole genre. I do, however, enjoy a few horror flicks around Halloween time. So far this Halloween season, I have watched a few of the classics, “Friday The 13th,” “Halloween,” and “28 Days Later,” which might be one of my favorite movies now.

I have also been exposed to two movies that I do not think could qualify for “classic” status. One of these films I would strongly recommend avoiding at all cost. The other film could possibly be the greatest cinematic achievement ever created by a guy with 50 bucks and the refusal to give up his dream.

AVOID- (or see it, what do I know) “The Human Centipede”: Tagline “Their Flesh is His Fantasy,” yep. Basically, the plot of this movie is that two American girls are on a trip through Germany. Their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere on their way to a club. Oh no! Never mind it is okay they make their way to a house with a mysterious older gentleman, hurray everything is fine, wrong, the gentlemen is a mad doctor with a dream. Some doctors want to find a cure for cancer; this doctor’s lifelong aspiration is stitching three people together to form a human centipede. Luckily he acquired a very fiery Japanese man sometime before. For the complete logistics of the constructing such a creature, umm Google it, but you will probably be put on some sort of list.

I am pretty desensitized, I recently saw “Jackass 3-D” and was not nearly as grossed out as I should have been, but this whole centipede idea makes me feel sick. So sick, that during the surgery scenes I looked at pictures of dogs dressed as lobsters on the internet http://www.funnyordie.com/stories/eee22b60aa/dogs-dressed-as-lobsters.

Usually in horror movies I can accept the terrible decisions made by the victims, but in “The Human Centipede” the “horror logic” was just too much. Terrible hiding places, standing still at times to run away, and the worst placed monologue I have ever witnessed, made the movie unbearable. I do not really feel like the victims wanted to get away all that badly. When the movie was not showing the disturbing human centipede, the scenes were slow paced and boring. The tension building scenes made me sleepy. Altogether it was a terrible movie watching experience; I will probably skip out on “The Human Centipede 2” coming in 2011.

RENT THIS NOW: “Bloodz vs. Wolvez,” tagline, “Only the Survivor Will See The Daylight.” I will let IMDB give the Plot — “A turf war is started by two rival supernatural gangs, ‘The Bloodz,’ which are vampires and the ‘Wolvez,’ which are werewolves.”

Every once in a while a film will come along that will change your life. Never before has the duality of man been brought to life in this allegory featuring the plight of the urban werewolf, just kidding, actually Family Video has a buy one get one free deal and from one look at the poorly scanned cover I could not pass this up. The plot is ridiculous, the dialogue is hysterical and the acting makes Paris Hilton look like Meryl Streep.

There are random scenes thrown in for no reason than the editor must have gotten bored. There are two sets in the whole movie, one being the conference room in a hotel; they must have rented for a few hours. They are so lazy with the sets that they just move a chair around to show that you are in a different place. I strongly recommend this movie, but only with a large group of friends that have a good sense of humor. Seeing this alone — I do not think I would have lasted five minutes.

Have a happy Halloween!

Jacob McGuire

Giada De Laurentiis

Having an arch-nemesis, also known as Project Pat

Giada De Laurentiis

I am a strong supporter of having an arch-nemesis in one’s life. I am defining arch-nemesis as someone involved in a certain area of your life where there is a level of competition. Whether this competition is legitimate or in your warped little brain, it is imperative to not be out done by the arch-nemesis. This could be a coworker, fellow student, workout buddy, or even a second cousin. The importance cannot be stressed enough.

Having an arch-nemesis helps keep you on your toes. The presence of an arch-nemesis does not allow you to get too comfortable, and can help prevent settling for fear of your opponent one upping you. Batman has The Joker, Optimus Prime has Megatron, Gary Busey has the voices in his head. While the stakes might not seem as high as those examples, I can assure you the danger is very real with my newfound arch-nemesis Pat.

Pat does not want to be called Pat, he wants to be called Patrick or his real name Richard. As he is my arch-nemesis it is part of my duty to never give into his wishes, or unreasonable demands. For the past few months I have been wandering aimlessly, my past nemeses were no longer around. The previous one I took care of once and for all last spring. Just kidding, he graduated and moved on, or did he? I should have known not to get too comfortable, because there is always a new nemesis lurking nearby. Like me, Pat is a Resident Director at Quincy University. Pat oversees a staff of three Resident Assistants, but I have four, so I win. It is a nice gesture to provide the RA’s with a snack during the weekly meeting. I believed that I was doing well by buying ice cream bars for the meetings. In my mind everything was going well, the residents had not burned the building down and the RA’s were enjoying weekly ice cream. Everything changed one week however, when one of my RA’s made the following statement: “Pat makes dinner for his staff every week, and he brought us some chicken parmesan last week, why don’t you ever make us dinner?” Cut my life into pieces. That is how Pat became THE arch-nemesis.

To help combat Pat’s dinner offensive, I called upon the help of the love of my life, Food Network star Giada De Laurentiis. Though some might say I am obsessed with Giada, I would not because that has a negative connotation.  I would call myself a spirited fan. I decided it was time to actually look at the recipes and not just the pictures in my Giada’ s Kitchen cookbook: Veal Chop Saltimbocca, Fennel Slaw with Prosciutto and Pistachio Pesto, Swiss

McGuire

Chard and Sweet Pea Manicotti.  Let’s just say these recipes were intimidating, especially because my culinary specialty is eggs in the microwave. I finally found something doable in the Just for Kids section of Giada’s book. The Sweet and Sticky Chicken Drumsticks looked simple and the picture looked delicious. Despite guesstimating the amount of ingredients without a measuring cup, a balsamic vinegar spill, and not reading that the chicken needed two hours to marinate, the dinner got a big thumbs up from the RA staff. I did not have to use the “just in case frozen pizzas” I purchased, and I got to bust my first garlic clove, a proud moment in every man’s life.

So, all together the meal was a success and I was able to keep my arch-nemesis at bay…for now. This does not mean I will rest easy, for I am sure that as I am typing this he is buying his own Giada Cook Book, or perhaps renting Rachel Ray for a cooking session. Who knows what lengths my opponent will go to defeat me, all I know is that I will be ever diligent, and I will buy some measuring cups.

Jacob McGuire