McGuire

I am not the biggest horror movie fan. I am not sure why but I have never been that interested in the whole genre. I do, however, enjoy a few horror flicks around Halloween time. So far this Halloween season, I have watched a few of the classics, “Friday The 13th,” “Halloween,” and “28 Days Later,” which might be one of my favorite movies now.

I have also been exposed to two movies that I do not think could qualify for “classic” status. One of these films I would strongly recommend avoiding at all cost. The other film could possibly be the greatest cinematic achievement ever created by a guy with 50 bucks and the refusal to give up his dream.

AVOID- (or see it, what do I know) “The Human Centipede”: Tagline “Their Flesh is His Fantasy,” yep. Basically, the plot of this movie is that two American girls are on a trip through Germany. Their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere on their way to a club. Oh no! Never mind it is okay they make their way to a house with a mysterious older gentleman, hurray everything is fine, wrong, the gentlemen is a mad doctor with a dream. Some doctors want to find a cure for cancer; this doctor’s lifelong aspiration is stitching three people together to form a human centipede. Luckily he acquired a very fiery Japanese man sometime before. For the complete logistics of the constructing such a creature, umm Google it, but you will probably be put on some sort of list.

I am pretty desensitized, I recently saw “Jackass 3-D” and was not nearly as grossed out as I should have been, but this whole centipede idea makes me feel sick. So sick, that during the surgery scenes I looked at pictures of dogs dressed as lobsters on the internet http://www.funnyordie.com/stories/eee22b60aa/dogs-dressed-as-lobsters.

Usually in horror movies I can accept the terrible decisions made by the victims, but in “The Human Centipede” the “horror logic” was just too much. Terrible hiding places, standing still at times to run away, and the worst placed monologue I have ever witnessed, made the movie unbearable. I do not really feel like the victims wanted to get away all that badly. When the movie was not showing the disturbing human centipede, the scenes were slow paced and boring. The tension building scenes made me sleepy. Altogether it was a terrible movie watching experience; I will probably skip out on “The Human Centipede 2” coming in 2011.

RENT THIS NOW: “Bloodz vs. Wolvez,” tagline, “Only the Survivor Will See The Daylight.” I will let IMDB give the Plot — “A turf war is started by two rival supernatural gangs, ‘The Bloodz,’ which are vampires and the ‘Wolvez,’ which are werewolves.”

Every once in a while a film will come along that will change your life. Never before has the duality of man been brought to life in this allegory featuring the plight of the urban werewolf, just kidding, actually Family Video has a buy one get one free deal and from one look at the poorly scanned cover I could not pass this up. The plot is ridiculous, the dialogue is hysterical and the acting makes Paris Hilton look like Meryl Streep.

There are random scenes thrown in for no reason than the editor must have gotten bored. There are two sets in the whole movie, one being the conference room in a hotel; they must have rented for a few hours. They are so lazy with the sets that they just move a chair around to show that you are in a different place. I strongly recommend this movie, but only with a large group of friends that have a good sense of humor. Seeing this alone — I do not think I would have lasted five minutes.

Have a happy Halloween!

Jacob McGuire