Archive for January, 2011

Jacob McGuire

Dum Dum Da Dum …


The past year has been very memorable for me.

I worked on my beard, almost beat Super Mario 3 on Nintendo and invented a few dance moves that have gotten rave reviews on the floor.

Wow. Reading what I just wrote, I would have to say that the year was way more memorable for the literally dozens of friends of mine who got engaged. The engagements are happening at a rapid pace, and it is blowing my mind. I figured my peers would start getting married someday. I just assumed it would happen when we were ”grownups.”

Honestly, I have come to understand that marriage is a commitment for life. The biggest commitment I have made is an eight pound bag of French Fries from Sam’s Club, and there is still about four pounds left in the freezer, and it is freaking me out.

So I would like to take a moment to congratulate all of my friends and family members that have gotten engaged in this banner year. May your lives be filled with no sickness but lots of health and in the words of Whitney Houston pre-drug days, “So I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this, I’m wishing you — luuuuuuuuuuuvvv.”

Whitney and I wish you the best of luck on your marriage.

My first instinct is to suggest my inclusion as ring bearer. I can offer the bride and the groom complete assurance that the ring will arrive to its intended destination right on time. That is much more than I can say for the half-wit five-year-olds that I have been losing out to on the ring-bearing gig.

With friends all choosing “cute as a button” over speedy reliable delivery service, I figured it was time to take matters into my own hands and become an ordained minister. Who does everyone listen to on the wedding day? Who gets to make an awesome speech that everyone clings to? Who has the power to say when the groom even gets to kiss the bride? That’s right. The person overseeing the entire wedding.

Thanks to the help of The Universal Life Church at, I was able to license myself as a minister before lunch. Also if I can save up $26.99, I can buy the ordination package, which includes “a beautiful credential for your wall, a clergy badge, a plastic personalized wallet card credential, parking placard and the Minister Window Cling.”

Surprisingly, becoming the minister was the easy part. Now the difficult part is getting lovebirds to agree and let me tie the proverbial knot.

I’m offering up my services to not only my friends, but anyone who is looking for a minister for an upcoming ceremony. I promise 100% satisfaction, and I can bring your ceremony to life. I offer so much more than the standard minister, including but not limited to a really awesome cape, a smoke machine, kazoo playing for the bride’s entrance and exit, and a six foot unicycle.

All I am asking is that a couple out there give me a chance. After all, love is patient and love is kind.

Be kind to me.

Jacob McGuire


Suit up for laser tag


As I hunched against the small amount of coverage, breathing heavily, horrified by the carnage taking place all around me the great William Wallace’s words echoed in my heart, “Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you’ll live —at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR FREEDOM!”

Despite feeling brazen empowerment, I have to admit I was afraid, but images of my loved ones filled my mind and gave me a reason to fight. I set my laser from stun to kill and jumped out of hiding — I was taken out instantly by a nine year old.

At that moment the lights came on and the voice over the intercom said “game over, please make your way to the exit.” I headed back confident in having a high score although, my score sheet told a different story. It says I was in ninth place out of nine with 3.5% effectiveness rating, which is why I do not trust stats, or fact sheets. Win or lose I did just have a blast at Quincy’s new laser tag arena inside Scottie’s Fun Spot. Despite the unfortunate name that is sure to incite many middle school jokes, Scottie’s is seriously fun. In addition to laser tag, the Scottie’s Skateland upgrade includes bumper cars, mini-lane bowling, a huge indoor play-place/ball pit, and tons of arcade games.

I was sold on going when I heard the word’s laser tag. I figured that it was imperative to have at least one kid accompany us to help people overlook our twenty-two year oldness. In order to stay off a list I opted out of standing outside of the grade school asking kids if they wanted to play, especially because I’m working on a moustache right now. Instead we invited my friend Brian’s little brother from Big Brother/Big Sister’s program.

How I saw myself.

It was $5 a person for a 15 minute session and it was worth it.

I know that the mechanics of a Blaster are far superior to that of a laser gun, but for those 15 minutes I was Han Solo. So next time you are looking for something to do, I recommend hitting up Scotties Fun Spot at 8000 Broadway. If you feel that you are too old for such activities remember the words of Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother, “Laser tag knows no age restrictions, much like stripping in the Midwest.”

Altogether Laser tag was an awesome time and I am happy that Quincy now has it readily available for when I need to settle feuds.

Jacob McGuire


RESOLUTION #1: La’chaim! in 2001

I rarely feel more like a failure than the weeks that follow Jan. 1. For too many years now I have felt like what I can only guess Miss Lohan feels like after her latest rehab malfunction. I realize that was a lazy and too easy simile, but sorry it is late.

Every year it seems that each hefty New Year’s resolution I put into place falls apart. Come mid-January, Pepsi is too syrupy and delicious to avoid, carpe dieming still takes a lot more energy than say, sitting on a couch and the ability to develop a six pack, still seems like some sort of myth.

Well this year is different — never been said before I promise. Imma take care of bidness (I am going to take care of business). I have decided to develop a continually running list of resolutions that can result in being a much better person than I currently am. I understand that you’re saying to yourself, “Jacob that is impossible, how could you be any better than you already are?” Bear with me, because “cheerio” (here we go).

Resolution #1: Gain Insight and experience firsthand of other cultures and beliefs

Friday evening I was invited by my good friend Brian Silverstein to join him at a Jewish service. It turns out Quincy has a Jewish Synagogue called Temple B’Nai Shalom, located at 427 N. Ninth. I have attended Catholic Schools my entire life, so basically the extent of my experiences with the Jewish religion has been in the classroom or Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song. Any uneasiness I had going in however was immediately put to rest with the warm welcome we received when we entered the Synagogue. From the time I picked out my pink Yamikah — what can I say Lady Gaga and I like pizzazz — our group


was greeted and made to feel right at home. The Rabbi and Temple President approached us and expressed interest in all of our backgrounds. After talking to the Rabbi and President, every member of the Temple came in and introduced themselves to us and there was a true feeling of welcoming.

As the service began, I was captivated by the Hebrew songs and readings. Everyone sang along and there was an air of reverence in the beautiful building. When they broke out the Torah, Brian was asked to come forward and read. I did not know Brian had it in him, but he nailed every line. His years of Hebrew school paid off. After the service the hospitality continued when we were invited downstairs to break some Challah and get to know everyone further.

Altogether it was a wonderful experience and I am very happy that I took up Brian’s offer. I would like to thank the B’Nai Shalom community for opening up their service to us. So far this resolution is going well and I look forward to other culture experiences in the future.

Jacob McGuire

McConaughey in "Dazed and Confused."

Movie reviews based on the trailer or preconceived thoughts about an actor: 2011 edition


I love all aspects of going to the movies, I love Quincy’s almost empty five dollar matinee’s, putting too much artificial butter on my popcorn and hoping the salty deliciousness can distract me from the fact that the popcorn was part of a $12 “value pack.”

I love the smell and the anticipation of a good movie and pretty much am just a fan of all aspects of visiting the movie theater. I even thoroughly enjoy previews. They give me something to look forward to and help fill the void in my sad empty life — just kidding — some days are better than others, ah cripes.

The previews are a great time to pass judgment on a two hour film based on a two minute clip. Sometimes this judgment is warranted because the trailer shows every aspect of the movie and sometimes Matthew McConaughey says something within five seconds of the preview and I cannot stop laughing.

So I would now like to present to you:
Jacob McGuire’s Movie Reviews Based on the Trailer or Preconceived Thoughts About an Actor 2011 Edition

McConaughey in "Dazed and Confused."

The Lincoln Lawyer: This looks, umm pretty intense. It is probably going to keep you on the edge of your seat. I have yet to be disappointed in William H. Macy and Ryan Phillippe was pretty awesome in Breach. For serious though, I cannot take Matthew McConaughey serious. I crack up every time I see him on screen, between his gestures and his laid back drawl. From the looks of this movie a lot is at stake but to me every line he delivers might as well be about high school girls staying the same age. Can you practice law with your shirt off? I feel like McConaughey is going to do his best to try that in this movie.

The Roommate: So everything starts out all pleasant right, two roommates meet in the dorm and bond over their desire for pancakes and affinity for kittens, life’s good then, BOOM! The roommate is an obsessed psycho. The same thing happened to me during my first year of college, except my roommate was not as hot — just Kidding Ben. Watching this, I cannot help but point out that the RA on that floor is doing a terrible job. Seriously though, this movie already shows the killer — the roommate — we know her motive, which is people are getting near her roommate and we know her target, which is anyone who gets near her roommate. But what do I know, I only saw the trailer.

Big Momma’s House Like Father Like Son: You asked for it and you got it! Wait, you did not ask for it? Nobody asked for it? In fact you explicitly requested for it not to happen? Well too bad, because Martin Lawrence is back for a third installment as the FBI agent gone undercover as Big Momma. This time it appears that he is with his son and get this: The son is doing the same thing. With the addition of his son and the movie taking place at a college, the gags are sure to be wackier, the hijinks are sure to be hijinkier, and the fun is sure to be more so than your average Big Momma film.

Drive Angry 3D: Hahahahah, below is the way the conversation went between Nicholas Cage and the producer:
Cage: Let me see the script.
Movie Producer: There isn’t one but it’s in 3-D, and you get to drive a sweet car, it can help pay off your tax debt.
Cage: I’m in.

That, my friends, is this guys uneducated, biased look at a few movies coming up in 2011.

Jacob McGuire