This user hasn't shared any biographical information
Posts by jmcguire
For the past few weeks I have noticed a certain similarity in my movie and television choices. For some reason in almost everything I have watched, the actor Jared Leto has popped up. This probably is not that noteworthy, I like Jared Leto, he is a good actor and some of the movies he appeared in are my favorites.
I did notice one thing with these films and with a little research, I saw the trend continued. Filmmakers want Jared Leto to suffer a turrrrible fate as often as possible. It seems like in everything appears in he is treated like the human punching bag, maybe he just has a punchable face, maybe he seeks out roles with the requirement of things do not end well for him. Whatever the reason may be, it is now time to look back in a feature I like to call: “Jared Leto Does Not Get Treated Well In Movies.”
********Caution: Obvious Spoilers********
“Fight Club” (1999)
Edward Norton releases a furry of fists on Jared Leto’s character Angel Face’s face. Later in the film he goes through some pretty intense psychological trauma.
“American Psycho” (2000)
Caution: Do not watch this if you are a child, or squeamish
“Requiem For a Dream” (2000)
You only need to watch the first minute to see his horrible fate. Turn it off then or suffer a depression.
“Lord of War” (2005)
In case there was any doubt that the first machine gun did not kill him, the second one did a pretty decent job, and then there was that third one.
“Chapter 27” (2007)
So I have to admit that I have not actually seen this movie but I do know that the character he is portraying is not exactly healthy and functional.
Wow he has been destroyed so many times. One of the only real victories I have ever seen his character have is getting Angela Chase in the television series “My So Called Life,” but even then his character Jordan Catalano was illiterate and I found Angela (Claire Danes) to be obnoxious anyway.
So who are some other actors you can think of that have continually suffered horrible fates?
On Feb. 19, I attended night two of the Young Professionals event “The Big Dam Film Festival.” The film festival was held at The State Room, and it was fantastic. The selections that evening were a variety of short films. There was a little bit of everything in the featured shorts, from dramatic to comedic, the night was very entertaining. My personal favorite of the evening was called “Afghan,” by Pardis Parker. The quick wit and creativity of the main characters kept the audience laughing but all the while “Afghan,” took an honest look at racism and xenophobia, and the harm it can cause.
In the end the majority of the crowd agreed with my selection because “Afghan,” won the People’s Choice Award. The career of Pardis Parker is moving quickly with many new projects in the works, but the self described performer and creator took some time to answer a few questions about his career thus far.
How would you describe your career?
A series of baby steps.
What kind of background do you have with film-making?
None. Afghan was the first film I ever made and I learned about filmmaking while making the film.
Where do you draw your influences for your work?
I honestly don’t know. I watch everything Hollywood puts out. Certainly there are filmmakers that I admire more than others — Aronofsky, Mendes, Nolan, Boyle. But that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy a good Michael Bay film.
What in your life made you want to make films? At what point did you realize performing, writing, and film- making was your calling?
I’ve wanted to make films since probably junior high, but culturally it was something that was discouraged until I dove in and made something on my own that actually found a little success. That sort of opened the door for me to escape the criticism I would have been receiving otherwise.
“Afghan” was recently selected as the People’s Choice at the Big Dam Film Festival, among numerous other awards at different festivals. What do you think makes it so appealing; what do you attribute to its success?
I don’t know. My suspicion is that most people find it appealing simply because it’s an honest film. I don’t know. You tell me.
What projects do you have on the horizon?
I’ve got this Bollywood short that I’m shooting for Bravo and a romantic comedy with no dialogue that I’m shooting for CBC, plus I’ve got an animated TV series that I’m developing with a production company in LA and a feature comedy that I’m pitching around. Busy busy.
Please finish this sentence: If I was not creating and performing I would be-
Depressed and frustrated that I couldn’t find happiness or meaning in whatever else I was doing.
a. Acidic: Lemon
b. Renegade: Lorenzo Lamas
c. Yack: Yak
d. Pious: Priest
e. Scallops: White
f. Minuet: French
What are your five desert island films?
That’s tough. It’s always changing. “Cast Away,” “The Matrix,” “The Assassination of Jesse James” by the Coward Robert Ford, “There Will Be Blood,” and “Michael Clayton.” That’s a good start.
You are handed a phone and get to call your 16-year-old self. You get 15 seconds on the line, what do you say? GO!
Do what you want to do.
To find out more about Pardis, or watch more of his videos visit www.pardisparker.com.
The other day I was watching Noah Baumbach’s movie titled “Kicking and Screaming,” (not the Will Ferrell Soccer thing) and there was a scene in the movie where the friends were all in a bar arguing over the titles of all of the “Friday the 13th” movies.
It blew my mind for a second as I wondered why they did not just look it up on someone’s smart phone. Then I realized this was 1995. It is so weird to me that there was a time when trivia arguments at the bar could not be settled by a quick cell phone internet search. I have seen those large phones Zach Morris owns, despite the comically huge stature there is not so much as a Google Search bar on them. What were the other options; have the answer paged to you? That is not how a pager works is it? Did people just agree to disagree, write the question down, research it later then rub the answer in their friends face the next day? Not for me. I need to instantly rub in the correct answer of which actor played Grand Moff Tarkin in “Star Wars IV.” (Peter Cushing)[*Writer’s note to men: knowledge of “Star Wars” cannot help you get women, in fact it most likely can hurt any small chance you might have had.
What I am getting at is that thanks to new technology we are living in an age of instant gratification. Any information we would like is right at our fingertips, it is nearly impossible to not get contacted by someone that wants to contact you. My phone was broken for a week last year and it was difficult at first but I soon grew to like not being available to everyone at anytime. When someone says “hey why didn’t you text me back,” instead of having to act all confused and be like “oh dumb phone, I do not know if I got that message.” I could just tell them I have no phone.
So information is everywhere and more accessible than ever before. There are even text message answering services for those without internet on their phone. A popular free text message answering service is called Cha Cha. To use Cha Cha simply text any question to the number 242242. Usually within minutes you will receive an advertisement, then the answer; many times it’s correct sometimes it comes out of left field…but you get what you paid for.
I had just watched “The Social Network,” and felt like a loser if I was not using the internet to make money so I looked into working for the question answering service known as Cha Cha. I had heard that Cha Cha pays anyone with an internet connection to sit at their computer anytime they are available and answer the incoming questions. Becoming a Cha Cha question answerer or as we call in the biz an “expeditor” turned out to be a longer process than clicking: Start.
You begin the process by visiting http://becomeaguide.chacha.com/. From there you can begin the tutorial. There are several training videos you have to watch each ranging from 8 minutes to 26 minutes. At the end of each video you have to pass a test about that video (to prove that you were not playing Angry Birds during the videos, as I was). The videos show you the quickest way to answer the incoming texts using cha cha’s interactive search site. They have it set up to be able to directly search the web, search frequently asked questions, or type in your own answer. After going through all of the training videos that cover every single aspect of the process, you have to take the final test, which is answering 10 incoming texts. It is nerve racking at first, but once you get the hang of it, it becomes quite easy.
I took the test and what was supposed to be four to six days, became a month later, Cha Cha contacted me saying congratulations you are a Cha Cha expeditor. So I began my conquest earning .02 cents a question. It is nice because you can get on anytime you would like and just start answering questions while watching television. Sometimes there are really interesting questions and you learn a new fact. Sometimes the question is “Hey if you are a girl, will you give me your number.” Either way every answer is .02 cents added to the account that I can eventually cash in. So far in a week after going about 30-45 minutes a day I am up to $7.00. I know that does not seem like a lot but it is money earned while I watch TV. Right now, I figure if I can earn a dollar a day from this, eventually in 4.17 years I will have enough to buy my $1,500 dream from Ebay; The “Baywatch” Pinball machine.
So if you are interested in purchasing a “Baywatch” Pinball machine in 4.17 years join me as a guide on Cha Cha. Or just get a real job — lame.
It’s Wednesday, the weekend is almost here, you all can make it there I know you can. Radiohead’s Thom Yorke wants to help — he told me [footage unavailable]. On Saturday one of my favorite bands Radiohead released their eighth studio album titled “The King of Limbs.” The album was released digitally and the hard copy will be available on vinyl and CD in May. I purchased “The King of Limbs” and thus far it has not disappointed. After a few more listens I will have a complete review. In the meantime lets celebrate this Wednesday with some videos. Do not be afraid to dance at your desk.
Here is another link to a video:
My sources (every other commercial stating that He went to Jared, and every kiss in the history of kisses has begun with Kay, which really if you think about does not shine a good light certain women only willing to trade a kiss if Kay Jewelry is on hand) tell me that February is the month of love. Today, being Valentine’s Day is the focal point of all of this whole month’s love. Today millions of people will receive flowers, candies or cards sent by either lovers or by themselves to ease the pain of loneliness. These gifts will be sent out thanks to the Catholic Church designating the day in the 5th century to prevent a bunch of pagans from sticking with the usual tradition of slutting it up on this day… sorry did I kill the romanticism a bit?
With today being Valentine’s Day, it is hard to avoid the pressure of providing all of the right elements to make someone’s day special. I realize that all of you men out there come to this blog for your love advice, and you are relying solely on this article to understand how to have a good relationship. Unfortunately I know nothing, an extensive knowledge of Batman does not impress ladies like you would think, and the method of hiding behind bushes and staring provides little more than restraining orders. In order to gain a better understanding on the subject I assembled a panel of the womaniest women around. These ladies have been ladies for almost twenty years so they are qualified to provide this insight. So for Valentine’s Day questions and more I give you:
The Panel of Women Answering Questions About Women Team (it’s a working title)
1) The panel was shown a picture of chocolates, a stuffed animal, flowers and homemade stuff and asked to rank the most desired gift. Homemade things and flowers tied for first, stuffed animals came in third and chocolate in a distant fourth. Comments: “A lot of those boxes of chocolate have good ones but then some gross random ones.” “It is very sweet if he takes the time to make something, it shows he put time into it and it is unique.” “Flowers are always good.”
2) The Panel was asked to put together an ideal Valentine’s Day date. Some sort of surprise during the day, flowers sent to class or to work for example. Depending on the length of relationship preparing the dinner yourself is amazing. Even if you are not a good chef apparently, it is all in the effort and the act. Comments: “Do something unique to make the date memorable.” “One time my friend’s boyfriend dressed up as a gorilla and brought her bananas to class that said “I’m bananas for you,” it was cute, kind of awkward, but she will always remember it.” About the type of flowers: “Red roses are cliché but always a safe bet.” “If you know the girl well you should be able to put together her preference, if not go with the roses.” There was also an expression of hatred for Carnations during this exchange.
3) Does the Man always have to pay? “No, this isn’t the 1950’s.” “It depends on who did the asking out. If the girl asked the guy out then it she can pay.” “It depends on how long the relationship is, like if it’s a first date then yeah, but should not be expected.” “One guy never let me pay for anything, and it made me feel uncomfortable like I was indebted to him.”
4) Please rank what matters most: A) Looks B) Profession C) Personality D) Intellect E) Financial Status
1. C) Personality was first across the panel. 2 D) Intellect 3 B) Profession/Status 4. A) Looks
Comments: “Personality matters the most by far.” “There has to be an initial attraction but looks fade and do not matter for longterm.” “I’m glad my father is bald so I am use to baldness.”
Next up I read the panel some statistics I found online and asked them to react.
More than 43 percent of women have said “I love you” back to a guy, even though they didn’t mean it. An additional 12 percent of women haven’t told that fib, but they would, if they didn’t want to hurt his feelings.
“Yeah that does not surprise me.” “I believe if women were being honest the number would be much higher than 12 percent.” “It is a very awkward position to be put in.”
Less than 20 percent of women would dump their boyfriend if he became fat.
“Yeah I would not dump him for being fat; I would be concerned about his health.”
75 percent of women cry at least once a month, with 33 percent of women crying at least once a week. Additionally, 99 percent of women believe that real men cry.
“I think mainly our tears come from movies, books and most of all stress.” “Sometimes I have cried just to have a good cry.” “As long as he is too sensitive and emotional, it is okay for a guy to cry.”
Next I presented a couple questions that were submitted by friends.
1. What the hell? Why is….why am I not good enough, this is bull [crap], why can I give and give and it is not enough? What do they want? Do they want presents? A nice guy? A bad guy? I’m a great guy, I have a future, What do you WANT?!
2. Is it okay to do relationship stuff with all of the new technology such as texting, e-mailing and social networking?
A: “Texting is not an option for important stuff, it is hard to get the message across, never ask a girl out through a text, that is a phone call or face-to-face job.” “My friend’s boyfriend told her he loved her for the first time through a text message yesterday.” (The entire panel looks disgusted, woman number three pukes) “It is hard to figure out on break ups, like if they live far away face-to-face might not be an option, plus when sending a text you do not know what the girl is doing at that moment.”
Next I showed the panel pictures of Einstein (brains), Indiana Jones (rugged, adventurous, a muscley dude) and Captain Jack Sparrow (pirate) asked them to pick most desirable.
1. Indiana Jones (because he would be all of those things)
This concluded our panel discussion. I hope that valuable information can be found here. I would like to thank the Panel of Women for being so open, honest and helpful. Men out there … basically be like Indiana Jones. Happy Valentine’s Day!
In the words of comedian Louis C.K. “it’s easy to have the body you want, you just have to want a [crappy] body.” Well I did it my friends, I have achieved the body I want. With this body it is no wonder the ladies are always lining up. The phone is always ringing off the hook, and when I walk into Quincy’s finest night clubs, people act like teen rap duo Kriss Kross just made an entrance. They are still relevant aren’t they?
If I did not learn to laugh at myself by now, getting up in the morning would not be an option. So this body is achieved by making regular trips to McDonald’s and Hardees, and if you are like me sometimes the food there is just not unhealthy enough. Well rest assured, here are two special ways to mak e sure you get the most artery blockage for your buck; we are going to take things a little further and venture off the menu.
Sometimes I enjoy a late night out on the town. It is not because I like being in public and around people. I hate people. I enjoy a late night out because it means at 3 a.m., I have the option of going to Hardees and ordering the Quincy specialty “The Herald.” This perfect concoction of a biscuit, eggs and tator tots smothered in gravy hits the spot like you would not believe after a night of revelry with friends. I have spent many nights after attending a party, racking my brain with my friends trying to get a competent driver to answer the phone and make the trek to Hardees. It all balances out because I cannot count the nights that I have been woken up and requested to make a Herald run. It is also customary to purchase a Herald for the awoken driver. It is the right thing to do, just the way I was raised I guess. So next time you find yourself out at 3 a.m., do yourself a favor and secure a safe driver and get to Hardees to order a Herald. Also the Herald is exclusively made at the Hardees on Broadway. So if you are on 12th street, you are just going to have to settle for chicken strips.
This next item is elusive and mythical and not always a sure thing. I am referring to a Big Mac at McDonalds, however, the burger patties are replaced with chicken patties. This item is not on the menu and has no name. For no reason other than it sounds funny, my friends and I have come to call it the McCrypty. It is a finicky ordering process. Going to the drive-thru will yield no results. The McCrypty requires face to face explanation. Enter the McDonalds with confidence, but not arrogance, order the McCrypty like you are ordering a happy meal, as if it would be absurd to have your request denied. When the worker says “I do not know if I can do that, let me get a manager,” politely explain your request to the manager, depending on the personnel your request may get the go ahead. If your wish is granted, celebrate and be proud, because the McCrypty is awesome. If you are denied, do not be a jerk, you failed; just try again at the other McDonalds or when a new manager is in.
Does anyone else know of any off the menu items at restaurants around town? If you do, please fill me in by commenting.
The past year has been very memorable for me.
I worked on my beard, almost beat Super Mario 3 on Nintendo and invented a few dance moves that have gotten rave reviews on the floor.
Wow. Reading what I just wrote, I would have to say that the year was way more memorable for the literally dozens of friends of mine who got engaged. The engagements are happening at a rapid pace, and it is blowing my mind. I figured my peers would start getting married someday. I just assumed it would happen when we were ”grownups.”
Honestly, I have come to understand that marriage is a commitment for life. The biggest commitment I have made is an eight pound bag of French Fries from Sam’s Club, and there is still about four pounds left in the freezer, and it is freaking me out.
So I would like to take a moment to congratulate all of my friends and family members that have gotten engaged in this banner year. May your lives be filled with no sickness but lots of health and in the words of Whitney Houston pre-drug days, “So I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this, I’m wishing you — luuuuuuuuuuuvvv.”
My first instinct is to suggest my inclusion as ring bearer. I can offer the bride and the groom complete assurance that the ring will arrive to its intended destination right on time. That is much more than I can say for the half-wit five-year-olds that I have been losing out to on the ring-bearing gig.
With friends all choosing “cute as a button” over speedy reliable delivery service, I figured it was time to take matters into my own hands and become an ordained minister. Who does everyone listen to on the wedding day? Who gets to make an awesome speech that everyone clings to? Who has the power to say when the groom even gets to kiss the bride? That’s right. The person overseeing the entire wedding.
Thanks to the help of The Universal Life Church at www.themonastary.com, I was able to license myself as a minister before lunch. Also if I can save up $26.99, I can buy the ordination package, which includes “a beautiful credential for your wall, a clergy badge, a plastic personalized wallet card credential, parking placard and the Minister Window Cling.”
Surprisingly, becoming the minister was the easy part. Now the difficult part is getting lovebirds to agree and let me tie the proverbial knot.
I’m offering up my services to not only my friends, but anyone who is looking for a minister for an upcoming ceremony. I promise 100% satisfaction, and I can bring your ceremony to life. I offer so much more than the standard minister, including but not limited to a really awesome cape, a smoke machine, kazoo playing for the bride’s entrance and exit, and a six foot unicycle.
All I am asking is that a couple out there give me a chance. After all, love is patient and love is kind.
Be kind to me.
As I hunched against the small amount of coverage, breathing heavily, horrified by the carnage taking place all around me the great William Wallace’s words echoed in my heart, “Aye, fight and you may die. Run, and you’ll live —at least a while. And dying in your beds, many years from now, would you be willin’ to trade ALL the days, from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance, to come back here and tell our enemies that they may take our lives, but they’ll never take… OUR FREEDOM!”
Despite feeling brazen empowerment, I have to admit I was afraid, but images of my loved ones filled my mind and gave me a reason to fight. I set my laser from stun to kill and jumped out of hiding — I was taken out instantly by a nine year old.
At that moment the lights came on and the voice over the intercom said “game over, please make your way to the exit.” I headed back confident in having a high score although, my score sheet told a different story. It says I was in ninth place out of nine with 3.5% effectiveness rating, which is why I do not trust stats, or fact sheets. Win or lose I did just have a blast at Quincy’s new laser tag arena inside Scottie’s Fun Spot. Despite the unfortunate name that is sure to incite many middle school jokes, Scottie’s is seriously fun. In addition to laser tag, the Scottie’s Skateland upgrade includes bumper cars, mini-lane bowling, a huge indoor play-place/ball pit, and tons of arcade games.
I was sold on going when I heard the word’s laser tag. I figured that it was imperative to have at least one kid accompany us to help people overlook our twenty-two year oldness. In order to stay off a list I opted out of standing outside of the grade school asking kids if they wanted to play, especially because I’m working on a moustache right now. Instead we invited my friend Brian’s little brother from Big Brother/Big Sister’s program.
- How I saw myself.
It was $5 a person for a 15 minute session and it was worth it.
I know that the mechanics of a Blaster are far superior to that of a laser gun, but for those 15 minutes I was Han Solo. So next time you are looking for something to do, I recommend hitting up Scotties Fun Spot at 8000 Broadway. If you feel that you are too old for such activities remember the words of Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother, “Laser tag knows no age restrictions, much like stripping in the Midwest.”
Altogether Laser tag was an awesome time and I am happy that Quincy now has it readily available for when I need to settle feuds.
I rarely feel more like a failure than the weeks that follow Jan. 1. For too many years now I have felt like what I can only guess Miss Lohan feels like after her latest rehab malfunction. I realize that was a lazy and too easy simile, but sorry it is late.
Every year it seems that each hefty New Year’s resolution I put into place falls apart. Come mid-January, Pepsi is too syrupy and delicious to avoid, carpe dieming still takes a lot more energy than say, sitting on a couch and the ability to develop a six pack, still seems like some sort of myth.
Well this year is different — never been said before I promise. Imma take care of bidness (I am going to take care of business). I have decided to develop a continually running list of resolutions that can result in being a much better person than I currently am. I understand that you’re saying to yourself, “Jacob that is impossible, how could you be any better than you already are?” Bear with me, because “cheerio” (here we go).
Resolution #1: Gain Insight and experience firsthand of other cultures and beliefs
Friday evening I was invited by my good friend Brian Silverstein to join him at a Jewish service. It turns out Quincy has a Jewish Synagogue called Temple B’Nai Shalom, located at 427 N. Ninth. I have attended Catholic Schools my entire life, so basically the extent of my experiences with the Jewish religion has been in the classroom or Adam Sandler’s Hanukkah Song. Any uneasiness I had going in however was immediately put to rest with the warm welcome we received when we entered the Synagogue. From the time I picked out my pink Yamikah — what can I say Lady Gaga and I like pizzazz — our group
was greeted and made to feel right at home. The Rabbi and Temple President approached us and expressed interest in all of our backgrounds. After talking to the Rabbi and President, every member of the Temple came in and introduced themselves to us and there was a true feeling of welcoming.
As the service began, I was captivated by the Hebrew songs and readings. Everyone sang along and there was an air of reverence in the beautiful building. When they broke out the Torah, Brian was asked to come forward and read. I did not know Brian had it in him, but he nailed every line. His years of Hebrew school paid off. After the service the hospitality continued when we were invited downstairs to break some Challah and get to know everyone further.
Altogether it was a wonderful experience and I am very happy that I took up Brian’s offer. I would like to thank the B’Nai Shalom community for opening up their service to us. So far this resolution is going well and I look forward to other culture experiences in the future.
I love all aspects of going to the movies, I love Quincy’s almost empty five dollar matinee’s, putting too much artificial butter on my popcorn and hoping the salty deliciousness can distract me from the fact that the popcorn was part of a $12 “value pack.”
I love the smell and the anticipation of a good movie and pretty much am just a fan of all aspects of visiting the movie theater. I even thoroughly enjoy previews. They give me something to look forward to and help fill the void in my sad empty life — just kidding — some days are better than others, ah cripes.
The previews are a great time to pass judgment on a two hour film based on a two minute clip. Sometimes this judgment is warranted because the trailer shows every aspect of the movie and sometimes Matthew McConaughey says something within five seconds of the preview and I cannot stop laughing.
So I would now like to present to you:
Jacob McGuire’s Movie Reviews Based on the Trailer or Preconceived Thoughts About an Actor 2011 Edition
The Lincoln Lawyer: This looks, umm pretty intense. It is probably going to keep you on the edge of your seat. I have yet to be disappointed in William H. Macy and Ryan Phillippe was pretty awesome in Breach. For serious though, I cannot take Matthew McConaughey serious. I crack up every time I see him on screen, between his gestures and his laid back drawl. From the looks of this movie a lot is at stake but to me every line he delivers might as well be about high school girls staying the same age. Can you practice law with your shirt off? I feel like McConaughey is going to do his best to try that in this movie.
The Roommate: So everything starts out all pleasant right, two roommates meet in the dorm and bond over their desire for pancakes and affinity for kittens, life’s good then, BOOM! The roommate is an obsessed psycho. The same thing happened to me during my first year of college, except my roommate was not as hot — just Kidding Ben. Watching this, I cannot help but point out that the RA on that floor is doing a terrible job. Seriously though, this movie already shows the killer — the roommate — we know her motive, which is people are getting near her roommate and we know her target, which is anyone who gets near her roommate. But what do I know, I only saw the trailer.
Big Momma’s House Like Father Like Son: You asked for it and you got it! Wait, you did not ask for it? Nobody asked for it? In fact you explicitly requested for it not to happen? Well too bad, because Martin Lawrence is back for a third installment as the FBI agent gone undercover as Big Momma. This time it appears that he is with his son and get this: The son is doing the same thing. With the addition of his son and the movie taking place at a college, the gags are sure to be wackier, the hijinks are sure to be hijinkier, and the fun is sure to be more so than your average Big Momma film.
Drive Angry 3D: Hahahahah, below is the way the conversation went between Nicholas Cage and the producer:
Cage: Let me see the script.
Movie Producer: There isn’t one but it’s in 3-D, and you get to drive a sweet car, it can help pay off your tax debt.
Cage: I’m in.
That, my friends, is this guys uneducated, biased look at a few movies coming up in 2011.