In the words of comedian Louis C.K. “it’s easy to have the body you want, you just have to want a [crappy] body.” Well I did it my friends, I have achieved the body I want. With this body it is no wonder the ladies are always lining up. The phone is always ringing off the hook, and when I walk into Quincy’s finest night clubs, people act like teen rap duo Kriss Kross just made an entrance. They are still relevant aren’t they?
If I did not learn to laugh at myself by now, getting up in the morning would not be an option. So this body is achieved by making regular trips to McDonald’s and Hardees, and if you are like me sometimes the food there is just not unhealthy enough. Well rest assured, here are two special ways to mak e sure you get the most artery blockage for your buck; we are going to take things a little further and venture off the menu.
Sometimes I enjoy a late night out on the town. It is not because I like being in public and around people. I hate people. I enjoy a late night out because it means at 3 a.m., I have the option of going to Hardees and ordering the Quincy specialty “The Herald.” This perfect concoction of a biscuit, eggs and tator tots smothered in gravy hits the spot like you would not believe after a night of revelry with friends. I have spent many nights after attending a party, racking my brain with my friends trying to get a competent driver to answer the phone and make the trek to Hardees. It all balances out because I cannot count the nights that I have been woken up and requested to make a Herald run. It is also customary to purchase a Herald for the awoken driver. It is the right thing to do, just the way I was raised I guess. So next time you find yourself out at 3 a.m., do yourself a favor and secure a safe driver and get to Hardees to order a Herald. Also the Herald is exclusively made at the Hardees on Broadway. So if you are on 12th street, you are just going to have to settle for chicken strips.
This next item is elusive and mythical and not always a sure thing. I am referring to a Big Mac at McDonalds, however, the burger patties are replaced with chicken patties. This item is not on the menu and has no name. For no reason other than it sounds funny, my friends and I have come to call it the McCrypty. It is a finicky ordering process. Going to the drive-thru will yield no results. The McCrypty requires face to face explanation. Enter the McDonalds with confidence, but not arrogance, order the McCrypty like you are ordering a happy meal, as if it would be absurd to have your request denied. When the worker says “I do not know if I can do that, let me get a manager,” politely explain your request to the manager, depending on the personnel your request may get the go ahead. If your wish is granted, celebrate and be proud, because the McCrypty is awesome. If you are denied, do not be a jerk, you failed; just try again at the other McDonalds or when a new manager is in.
Does anyone else know of any off the menu items at restaurants around town? If you do, please fill me in by commenting.
Ever since I was young, I always longed for “a place.” “Seinfeld” had Monk’s Coffee Shop, “Friends” had Central Perk, and “Doug” had Honker Burger in the Nickelodeon series, then Swirly’s in the Disney series.
I blame part of this obsession on growing up in a rural area where you could not just walk to a restaurant. It blew my mind, and I remember thinking “wow, I cannot wait for high school when our friends meet up at the place every day.” (I did not really have too lofty of goals as a child. I remember watching “Saved by the Bell,” when I was younger and yearning for a spot at The Max. What was the deal with The Max anyway? Did Bayside High own it? If not then why did they always have school functions there? I also do not feel like anyone ever paid to eat there, they just got their food from the wise cracking, problem-solving magician, without actually ordering. It was a horrible business plan.
I have always been captivated by the possibilities of meeting up at “the place,” with my core constituents, getting in our usual booth or couch (everyone mentioned above ALWAYS got their preferred booth or couch) and discussing the minutiae of our day. We would discuss pressing issues, like if my friend was finally going to get the nerve to ask out Patty Mayonnaise, or if Jerry’s date went well with “man hands.” Ah freck, I blurred television and reality again.
The point is, I want “a place,” I want there to be a certain place that I could walk in at most times of the day and my group will be there in the usual booth. I want to be able to refer to “the place,” as “the place,” and no questions would be asked as to which place. Right now I am far from my goal, every time we are going to go dine somewhere, I have to call a few friends and say “let’s go eat,” then they say “where do you want to go?” Then I will be all like “I don’t care, where do you want to go?” and they’re like “I don’t care, I am up for anywhere.” Despite their apathy toward the location they shoot down five of my suggestions before settling. No more of that please, I want to establish a base and use that base often, variety is overrated anyway.
I am currently scouting out a few locations to make “the place.” This morning I had breakfast at what could be a top contender. Sydne’s Café and Catering located at 234 North 12th Street filled many of my criteria for being my holy grail. It is a very comfortable place, aesthetically pleasing and warm. Sydne’s had a full breakfast and lunch menu, and turned out to be very good. I recommend the potatoes O’Brien. Although the waitress did not appear to be a magician, she was very friendly and attentive. The next step is to bring friends here for multiple meals, until it becomes a habit, then my sad little dream will come true. Try out Sydne’s Café, it’s very good, but I call dibs on my preferred table, after all, it is “the place.”